Yours to read
Disclaimer: This post has been hugely inspired by the blogs written by Om Swami ji in os.me .
(A lot of the content here is a direct liftoff from there - os.me)
Bullet points for Productive Arguments-
1.What outcome are you looking for --have all your options ready
2.Why do you want to have the argument-the other person counts or ur goal cannot be achieved without them ..for either ur good or their good...
Enter in it with
3. RISA – Real, Important, Specific and, Aligned. Truly the foundation of a good argument
Are the issues /concerns Real or imagined n assumed ?
Important -they are a hindrance to something hence important to talk about,Emotional, Relationship,Work,Finance?
Are they Specific or general?
Are both parties Aligned to have the discussion ?.
If the above are not clear --then first clear them.
4. They don’t want a conversation or a resolution, they simply want to make it difficult for you.--to avoid a confrontation, to not want a resolution, to simply waste time --till they are ready to vanish , to resort to blame game to discourage and distract from facing the concern .
Argument -Real n Comprehensive with a path going forward
Arguments are inevitable and yet most of us avoid them as if we really can. No one has taught us how to build your case or work your way out of a disagreement.
How to build a good argument ?
Rule No. 1 – WhatThat is, what do you want out of this conversation? For, there’s a world of difference between arguing and building an argument . Remember you are the expert negotiator and before you meet the ringleader, you must absolutely know what you are hoping to gain out of that meeting or conversation.
In the absence of such clarity, disagreeable conversations turn into ugly arguments faster than the speed of sound. I call them Mach feuds — fast feud conversations. They start out right but turn unhealthy within minutes. You drive in hungry and confident. You drive out poorer and junkier.
Rule No. 2 – Why - If you are clear about the first rule then you must also know why you wish to broach this topic or confront someone about something. But the “why” doesn’t end here. For any argument to be meaningful and beneficial, you must also genuinely try to understand “why” the other person is doing what they are. It requires listening to them without judging them. You may agree or disagree, that’s immaterial but if you don’t want your argument to turn into a quarrel, you must listen to the other person. Or as Bo Seo says, “It is best to understand the other person’s argument as they see it.” Without that, you won’t be able to fathom, much less accept, their reasons or challenges.
Is it real?Or is it due to a misunderstanding?
The conversation you are about to have and the argument you want to put forward is based on certain assumptions. There are things both people have presumed and assumptions both have made on behalf of each other.
Are your assumptions even true or merely your perception?
Could this be a misunderstanding and not a deliberate action?
Firmly establish the foundation of your assumption, conversation, and argument in truth and facts before you approach the other person. Because once you have said something, you can’t unsay it. You can’t undo the damage with words. It helps to be diligent.
Remember you are the femme fatale (or the homme fatal) negotiator who is going to unleash your charm offensive. You can’t do that if you don’t have your facts straight.
Is it important?If intelligence is the ability to respond to any argument, wisdom lies in knowing which arguments to respond to and which parts to respond to.
Arguments are like wildfires. A tiny spark can trigger one but they can get out of control very quickly. Keep dousing. You still end up with a lot of damage, soot, and disruption.
It helps to establish if something is really so important to you that you want to confront the other person about it. It should not just be important but important enough that you would want to have a conversation around it.
There may be moral, financial, religious or other reasons in the dissolution of a marriage but the most common reason is arguments.
When people start bickering over little things, every tiny argument chips away at the relationship one day leaving it dead.
Wisdom is in knowing what to ignore, to let go, for your own peace and for
Is it specific enough?Focus on only one point of disagreement in an argument. Do not bring in all the other disagreements you could be having.
No matter how tempted you are to resolve many points of disagreements in one conversation, don’t do it. Focus on just one thing, the most important one. I know it’s taken you a lot of courage to broach the topic and you’d like to cover all that bothers you in one go, I still advise you against it. If you bring up many disagreements, it won’t be a conversation or a meaningful dialog. Instead, it will be an ugly argument where no one wins.
Somewhere a good argument is like good meditation. Just how you bring your mind back to the present moment in meditation, simply keep bringing the conversation back to the topic at hand when you are drawn into an argument. (Despite the similarities, I’d say it’s better to end your day with five minutes of meditation than five minutes of argument.)
Are you aligned?Do both people want to partake in that conversation? Every disagreement should start with some agreement, that is, what is it that we disagree about?
Some conversations are only hard because the other person doesn’t want to talk about it. And you know, often the reason they don’t want to do so is because they know that either they won’t be understood or they would be reprimanded. So to avoid conflict, people avoid conversations altogether. In a good argument, you establish upfront that we both agree that we disagree about X. And X must be specific and important enough so you may know exactly the outcome you seek or the maximum common ground you can share on the issue.
A lot of the time, it is okay to disagree. If you reflect on “what” and “why”, and follow the framework, you’ll eventually discover that the disagreement wasn’t as mammoth as it had felt at the beginning.
RISA – Real, Important, Specific and, Aligned. Truly the foundation of a good argument.
And while it’s rare, sometimes people only get into an argument because they want to hurt you. They don’t want a conversation or a resolution, they simply want to make it difficult for you.
In that case, well, you protect yourself and do what befits your spiritual stature.
As Buddha would say, “Admirable friendship, admirable companionship, admirable camaraderie is actually the whole of the holy life."
None of which is possible without developing a general sense of empathy and mastering the art of holding a mutually healing conversation, the kind where both parties feel heard. It may not lead to an immediate resolution but you will be amazed what magic is possible when people feel heard.
A Bit about Argument VS Discussion
(Most of the us look at it as one and the same )
Argument is to find out who is right , Discussion is to find out what is right !!!
Arguments and discussion both are the noun which involves people talking with one another and telling what they think, feel or know to be true.
Argument generally means an angry dispute or disagreement whereas discussion has much more positive feel to it. It means people talking in a conversational and reasonable manner with other people.
Arguments can be avoided and a lot of heartache prevented by being a little careful. An argument is one thing which you never win.
If you win an argument but lose your job, customer, friend or marriage . Even if one wins the cost may be more than the victory is worth.
The more arguments you win the fewer friends you have.
Regardless to the cause, the best way to diffuse the situation is to :
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